


Why do you hurt yourself?

by swshawnee



Series: daily vixx drabbles [3]
Category: VIXX
Genre: M/M, fucking nell did this to me blame them, mentions of self harm, nothing graphic tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2016-04-14
Packaged: 2018-06-02 05:42:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6553300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swshawnee/pseuds/swshawnee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is simply an intermission in Hakyeon's self-destruction, and if anything, he can only be thankful he gets to spend it with the man he loves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why do you hurt yourself?

**Author's Note:**

> The reason for all my suffering: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0wUl1t_YnE

”Hakyeon? What are you doing?”

It's the repetitiveness of the question more than anything that keeps Hakyeon from responding. He says too many meaningless things these days. Maybe, just this once, Wonshik is better off wondering for a while.

Three knocks break the silence. ”Can I come in?”

”Sure.”

Wonshik enters the room, expression tense and ready for a disaster – Hakyeon can see it in his eyes, his willingness to bandage Hakyeon up and clean his blood off the floor. It's far from the first time. But there's nothing to fix this time, and Wonshik stops in his steps when he realizes it. His eyes shift from the silent TV to the closed laptop on Hakyeon's bedside table, on to the clean sheets Hakyeon sits upon and the organized desk under the window. Nothing's out of place. Yet that only seems to aggravate the other man more.

He walks over to the bed after a silent moment in which Hakyeon counts heartbeats. Hours of sitting here with his back against the dark blue wall has left the older's back sore and stiff, but he doesn't move when Wonshik sinks down next to him.

”What did you do today?” the younger asks. Hakyeon can see his fingers twitching, hand moving just a little to the right, as if he wants to hold Hakyeon's fingers in his or place his hand on his knee.

”Nothing,” he says. Wonshik's hand never reaches him.

”Nothing? What does that mean?”

”It means I sat here. All day.”

Wonshik looks up at him. ”All day?”

”All day.”

But he quickly looks away again. ”So that means you didn't...”

Hakyeon isn't going to answer a question the other doesn't dare ask. He's beyond done with being treated like his days need to be censored.

When he doesn't say anything, Wonshik holds out his hand. Finally, warmth. ”Show me.”

Hakyeon stares back at him. His neck protests, but seeing the other's face feels good. He places his hand in Wonshik's, palms facing up, and when Wonshik rolls his sleeve up, he looks away. Whether he's avoiding the healing wounds on his wrist or the look of relief on the other man's face, he doesn't know. Either would be too painful to face.

”Good,” Wonshik says, pulling his sleeve back down. ”Thank you, Hakyeon.” His voice is thick with tears of gratitude, and Hakyeon shakes his head. Tears burn in his eyes, too, as he bites down around nothing.

”You shouldn't... use my feelings for you against me.” Wonshik's face snaps towards him. ”It's not fair.”

Wonshik's fingers curl around his, and he mumbles out a heartless chuckle. ”If that's what I have to do, then...” He squeezes Hakyeon's hand, and the older buries his fingers in the other's skin. ”It's better than... you know, the alternative.”

Hakyeon wishes he would just say it. It's better than Hakyeon hurting himself. Why is it that Wonshik can't seem to get those words out? Is it too horrible for his mind to bear? Is that why he so desperately wants Hakyeon to stop? Because the truth is, Hakyeon doesn't think this is better than blowing off steam through his skin. If he was only allowed to slice his wrist, to put his razor blade to his skin, especially in the shower – _god_ , the water makes it bleed so deliciously – then at least he could go back to his daily life afterwards, and he wouldn't have to sit in this bed for hours on end with only the endless weight of hopelessness as his company.

But no, Wonshik won't have that. He's made that perfectly clear. If Hakyeon has any affection for him left still in his body, then he won't hurt himself. Because Wonshik asked him to. But sometimes even Wonshik's tear-filled pleas with him to stop, just stop hurting himself, stop being sad, seems preferable to this wide-eyed hopefulness in his eyes. It won't last. There's nothing to be hopeful for. This is simply an intermission in Hakyeon's self-destruction, and if anything, he can only be thankful he gets to spend it with the man he loves.

”I can't live like this.”

Wonshik's hand holds him harder. ”You can.”

”No, I can't.” His breath catches. ”If I can't feel... this relief,” he breathes, editing words out because hurting Wonshik is hurting himself, and not in a good way. ”Then... all I have left to do is listen to my thoughts chase each other around my head all day. I can't do it.”

The sheets rustle as Wonshik moves closer, his other hand now on Hakyeon's waist. Hakyeon closes his eyes. ”You should come outside with me. Even if it's just for a short walk. You should... get out of this room, just for a little while.”

Hakyeon barely notices himself sliding off the wall. The warmth of Wonshik's body is too intriguing, too different from the stale, cold feelings settled in his bones after so much hiding in this open, cramped space. ”Can I come to your place?” Hakyeon pleads, his face buried in Wonshik's shoulder.

Wonshik, in between slow hands up and down his back and careful lips in his hair, nods. ”Of course. You know you can always come to me. You know I'm always here for you.”

Hakyeon imagines saying those things makes Wonshik feel better. That's why he pretends to trust in the words, when in reality, he knows one of them will break their promise, and soon. Wonshik's patience is immense, but it's not endless. And Hakyeon, he can feel himself slipping by the day.

”You know that I love you, right?”

Hakyeon surprises himself with his words. But it's important that Wonshik knows this now, and not when it's too late.

Wonshik pulls back and presses a firm kiss to Hakyeon's forehead. Perhaps he notices the sense of finality in the words, because he doesn't seem to want to let go. ”I love you,” he says, and for Hakyeon, that's good enough for now.

He lets Wonshik drag him out of bed and take him home, and he hopes for all he is worth that he is wrong, about himself, about Wonshik, about everything. At least, he thinks, if anyone is going to prove him wrong, it's going to be Wonshik.

 

 


End file.
